Crystal's Notes 1 Feb

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “Life’s just like that” or “I have no choice”? These statements might seem harmless on the surface, but they reveal a deeper victim mindset that not only limits your growth but also affects how others perceive and trust you.

Recognising the Signs: The Victim Mindset

When stuck in a victim mindset, you may find yourself frequently using phrases like:

• There is no point

• I have no choice

• I’m helpless

• It’s hopeless

• Life’s just like that

• No point changing

Playing the victim isn’t always intentional. Often, it’s a response to unresolved emotions or patterns we’ve picked up over the years. But, this mindset not only lowers your credibility and trustworthiness in the eyes of others, it also makes it harder for you to create meaningful change in your life. Ask yourself: “What can I take responsibility and ownership for? What role did I play in co-creating this negative situation?”

When the Victim Becomes the Martyr

Without self-awareness, the victim mindset can escalate into the martyr mindset. Frequent phrases include:

• I sacrificed everything for you

• No one suffers like I do

• If I didn’t do it, who would?

• When I die, then you’ll know

• I wasn’t born lucky

• In my past life I must have done something wrong

• Self care? Haha! As if I have the time for this!

• Next time when you have children, see whether you can do better. I will laugh! 

This mindset is even more damaging because it not only perpetuates personal suffering, it also fosters resentment towards others. Left unchecked, it can influence how we parent, lead, and relate to others.

Why Inner Work is Key
Breaking free from the victim or martyr mindset requires deep inner work. These patterns often stem from unresolved wounds and unmet needs from childhood. When we don’t address them, they get passed down, unintentionally shaping the next generation.

The first step is recognising the stories you tell yourself and taking ownership of your role in shaping your life. By doing the inner work, you not only heal yourself but also break the cycle for future generations.

I am so excited to share that two of my biggest mentors and teachers, Volker and Jutka, will be coming to Singapore in March and April, and will be putting on 1-day retreats for us on my favourite topics.

Many in my community will be familiar with Volker Krohn, the Global Chairperson of the Hoffman Institute International. Volker will be taking us through a 1-day retreat in understanding childhood conditioning, and how we can break negative behavioral patterns and live with more power.

Jutka Freiman is an internationally certified enneagram therapist, and Senior Teacher of the Hoffman Quadrinity Process. Jutka is a huge inspiration in my personal growth journey and I’ve never seen anyone teach Enneagram with the depth and wisdom that she brings. She brings with her a deep psychological lens to examine how one’s family of origin impacts their Enneagram type and uses psychology concepts to explain the developmental path of each type.

I learnt so much from literally sitting at Jutka’s and Volker’s feet, taking in how they do their work. So, if you’re ready to dig deeper into emotional awareness, self-compassion, and showing up authentically, join me in our workshops, designed to help you step into your power, build confidence, and show up as the best version of yourself.

Much love,
Crystal