Crystal's Notes 15 Nov

We’ve all been there. Someone throws a question that feels unfair. Your heart rate spikes. You want to defend yourself or hit back with something clever.

But if you react instinctively, you are playing into the frame. A skillful leader controls the frame. 

Here are the 5 strategies for taking control:

1. Call out the hidden assumption.
   “It seems there’s a hidden assumption here. I just want to clarify that it’s never been our position to have a zero-risk approach.”
   Here, you’re not dodging the question; you’re setting boundaries for what’s true.

2. Reframe the question.
   "I think it might be more helpful not to frame this as zero risk versus risk proportionate, but how we evaluate risk trade-offs while maintaining our competitive standards.”
   This shifts the perspective away from the accusation.

3. Find the common ground.
   "I believe both of us agree that our financial system must be robust and competitive. However, where we differ may be how we balance prudence and innovation.”
   This moves the conversation from confrontation to collaboration.

4. Ask a clarifying question.
   “When you say zero risk, are you referring to regulatory standards or implementation?”
   That simple redirect signals confidence and composure by demanding precision.

5. Critique the question structure.
   “I understand the question, but the way it’s phrased presents a false binary.”
   You’re showing maturity, and not aggression, by refusing to play on someone else’s turf.

The same principle of controlling the frame applies to colleagues with toxic behavior. Don’t fight emotion with emotion.

You must first decide: is this behaviour affecting outcomes, or just annoying? If it’s not hurting results and they don’t report to you, it might not be worth your time. But if it is, here is my suggested approach:

1. Collect the data. State what you observed.

2. Have a conversation with the person to give him/her the feedback. (If you are not skilled, writing down points helps you avoid going blank.)

3. Shift the frame with intent: “I wanted to have a conversation with you about our collaboration. When I give you constructive feedback, it is with the intention of wanting us to improve on the result, and it’s not personal.”

4. Follow up by addressing the defensive behaviour: “Sometimes it seems to me that when you say ‘ABC’, that the issue is not being treated with the respect it deserves.”

It’s easy to talk about communication skills, but the real work happens in your nervous system.

If every tough question, defensive colleague, or accusatory remark sends your body into fight-or-flight, no amount of scripting will save you. You can’t control how others show up, but you can control the frame. And that starts with staying grounded enough to think, not just react.

Much love,

Crystal