Crystal's Notes - 15th October 2023

Dear Tribe

When you’re deciding on a partner, is there a checklist that you use to determine whether he is the right fit for you? It is perfectly normal to have some form of checklist, and it could contain requirements like a minimum earning capacity, or height. But what else can you consider for a more sustainable relationship?

Greg and I just did a juicy podcast episode on how to make love work in the modern world, and we worked to break down what truly matters.

For me, when I was looking for a life partner, I wanted someone who was in sync with my values. My top two values are freedom and growth. I wanted someone who supported my freedom and who encouraged me to be me. I wanted someone who had the same curiosity as me for personal growth. It is thus so important to look inwards first to know what your top values are.

Here is a handy exercise. Make a list of people, products, books or companies that inspire you. Then, try to come up with a list of values or words that will describe what about them inspires you. Think also about the person you aspire to become. What values can help you get there? Some examples would be words and values like empathy, courage, community, simplicity, or innovation. These then become your core values.

When I select a partner, that partner has got to be at least supportive of my top values, and at the very bare minimum, tolerate them. Will your partner come along with you on the adventures that you value, or will they show contempt or undermine each and everything that you want to do for yourself? Such a person will not be someone you’d want to spend your time with, and it will take time to find out if your values and aspirations align. This is not to say that conflicting core values are impossible in a relationship, but they can become very challenging to handle. In some cases, they may become dealbreakers. For example, if you want kids but your partner doesn’t, that will create a lot of difficulties. Know what it is that you want, and what it is that your partner wants out of life, and see if they align.

Another thing I tend to look at are the four aspects of self. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, are you a good match? For a great relationship, three out of four of these aspects should be fulfilled with a strong connection. If the relationship is hinged on just one aspect, then perhaps it will be more limited in its growth. It is also important to have psychological flexibility, which is a person’s ability to shape, adapt, act and dance around a partner, in terms of their needs and preferences.

In the same podcast, we also explored how we work together as a couple. If you’re curious, it involves some form of manipulation, and I mean this in the best way possible!

Women of this generation should not have to compromise, at all. But inner work is also important. What are your values? Can your partner meet your four domains? What are your boundaries? What are the unfair advantages you can capitalise on? Once you and your partner commit to doing your own inner work, you’re then on your way to a great partnership. If you want to know more about inner work, you can listen to my episode with Volker Krohn here.

Share this newsletter or my pod with a friend who may need it. I am so grateful for this community we have formed. Keep your comments and questions coming; remember that this will always be a safe space for us to learn and grow together!

ICYMI: More details/sign up for the December run of 'Find your Voice + Overcome Imposter Syndrome' in-person workshop here.