Crystal's Notes 27 April

A prompt from the I Am Well journal made me realise that an important part of finding my voice was giving myself permission to change my mind. While I may seem outspoken and confident, I have this fear about changing my mind, or going back on something I said. I don’t want to be seen as flaky, and I hate to inconvenience people.

But my daughter (also known as CC2) taught me a big lesson about this.

She had wanted her room repainted, and when I asked her what colour she wanted it, she waved at one of her room walls and said, “White, like this.”

So I texted the painter to paint it white.

The day before the painter was due to come to paint the room and we were talking about her soon-to-be white room, CC2 told me she had meant lilac – the colour of the wall she was pointing at. I protested and insisted that because she had said she wanted a white wall, and the painter would have purchased the paint already, we would have to go ahead with it.

She asked, “Why can’t you call the painter and tell him to get lilac instead?”

My instinctive response was that we shouldn’t cause the painter any trouble and inconvenience, but then I also realised that it was a decision that would impact her every single day.

I left a long voice note to the painter apologising for the indecisiveness, and told him I would pay extra for the new paint. I even went on to tell him I had scolded CC2 badly — which I didn’t, but I had felt compelled to play the role of the Asian Parent for some reason!

The painter was so understanding, and had to tell me it was okay — kids change their minds all the time, he said.

On hindsight, I realised it was ridiculous to think that I didn’t have the choice to change my mind! The painter didn’t even care as much as I had thought he would – getting new paint would have caused him some inconvenience, but imagine if I had not told him to change the paint colour! The impact on CC2 would have been much larger than the inconvenience to the painter!

It made me wonder — if I am doing this for small decisions like the colour of a wall, how many times have I done this, out of a sense of over-responsibility, and for larger decisions too?

Was that part of the reason why I stayed 14 years in my previous relationship, because I had felt “I made my choice, and I don’t get to change it”?

So write yourself that permission note to change your mind.

Skip that workout you had booked if you’re exhausted.

Call to cancel on that dinner party you know would only drain you.

Speak to a business partner about not moving ahead on a venture you cannot commit to anymore.

Leave a toxic relationship, even if it was once a loving one.

Stop reading a book if you just can’t connect with it, even if it is a bestseller.

Step down from a role you had fought tooth and nail for if it is affecting your psyche.

Give yourself permission to change your mind, and not feel like you’re weaker for it. Give yourself permission to choose yourself. Give yourself permission to not be perfect.

Remember, we are only stuck if we choose to be stuck.

CC2 is enjoying her lilac room now, complete with her cosmic projector nightlight.

Our kids are our greatest teachers, aren’t they?

Much love

Crystal